Just another little prick! It is blood test time again! 😳 Laughing your prostate off with Mark Stevenson

Prostate cancer: The bits they leave out from Mark Stevenson

Editor’s note: A small band of us write about our prostate cancers on the Substack newsletter platform with a humorous spin. Well, I try to add some laughs. We have agreed to an exchange program to share our takes on our cancers with our audiences. First up is Mark Stevenson, a UK-based Substack newsletter writer and podcaster.

He told me his newsletter, “Prostate cancerm the bits they leave out ….” is: “a space for the real and unfiltered, the laughs, the struggles, the bits they don’t put in the pamphlet (so many bloody pamphlets)! My Gleason was 3+4 at biopsy and 4+3 after surgery.”

He has been through the “wringer” with his cancer, but he has carried on in that British way with a stiff upper lip and his sense of humor intact. Check out a sample of his blog “The bits they leave out” Be prepared to laugh your prostate off—but, sensitive readers, be forewarned, Mark plays blue.)

By Mark Stevenson

It is that time again that I sit here waiting to head off to my local surgery for my third monthly PSA (Prostate-specific antigen) blood test. Can’t fucking wait!

I may have mentioned in some previous posts that I bloody hate needles! The nurses that extract my blood I am sure are recruited straight from the Romanian Alps region…

Nurse Recruiter: “Hi there, possible future blood nurse. First question for this interview is…’What’s your address?’”

Possible future blood nurse: “Brans Castle, Transylvania”

Nurse Recruiter: “Yep, you’re hired!”

Newly recruited blood nurse: “Ah Ah Ah” (Go on, do it out loud with a deep Eastern European accent).

I jest off course (only slightly). They are all lovely, supportive and caring professionals that are just overly eager to jab me with a piece of sharp metal every time that I see them.

Let me go back a step on why I am having three monthly bloods.

After I had my radical prostatectomy, the Doc needed to keep an eye on my PSA levels. They do this to see if there is a chance of the prostate cancer finding itself somewhere else to live in my body now that we have towed its former home (the prostate) and incinerated it. I have been informed that a PSA test result following a radical prostatectomy should come back with a negligible reading … something less than 0.1 ng/ml.

So shortly after my surgery, the little fucker of a PSA results started to creep upwards. Thats when they decided to zap my penis area with a massive James Bond-style laser and inject hormones into my tummy so that I could grow boobs and have hot flushes…the things that us men have to put up with is quite Victorian in nature🙄.

With that, the following conversation pursued with Katie (the Oncology doctor )…

Katie: “Hey Mark, how’s things?”

My Brain: “Yeah just fine and dandy, thanks Katie, being on your Christmas card list was something that I forgot to put on my things to do in 2022!”

Me: “Yeah, all good” (men lie so good when it comes to that question being asked!)

Katie: “I would like to keep an eye on your PSA levels, please Mark, so let’s get your bloods done every three months and we will have a catch up to see where they are at. Is that OK?”

My Brain: “Like hell that is OK! Me and needles do not have a good relationship, and you are asking for me to get jabbed every three months…that is just fucking lovely. Thanks, Doc.”

Me: “Sure thing. Speak in three months”

So the extraction of my blood happens every three months and I go through that same drama every three months with the following:

1) Booking an appointment at the local surgery with Dracula’s assistant, sorry, I meant to say ‘blood nurse,’ and the receptionist (with that questioning tone) asking “Has a doctor asked for this?” With me responding, “Yes, oncology have asked for it” … we speak every bloody quarter.

2) Me getting stressed on the day of the blood test as, as I have mentioned a few times, I HATE FUCKING NEEDLES, especially when they are heading in my direction!

3) Then it is the waiting game for the results and the catch up with Katie.

The waiting is the worst. Waiting for that message on my NHS app telling me what my results are and if they have ‘gone up again’.

I literally have to sit myself away in our bedroom at home and look at the results by myself. It is like playing Russian roulette and waiting to see if this cancer bullet is going to strike you again with the opening of a results from a blood test.

For anyone that goes through this, or something similar, you have my complete sympathy. It is shit! There are times when I actually think about just getting on with life and not checking every three months just to reduce the level of stress. But this is not fair on my loved ones, I know this.

So as I sit here with 1 hour and 52 minutes to go until my bloods are taken, I reflect that here we go again on the merry-go-round of the prostate cancer experience (don’t think that DisneyWorld will steal that one anytime soon for their next ride at the Magic Kingdom Park!). On the other side of the coin…I am extremely lucky that I live in a country with a health system set up to support me through this and keep an eye on me..thank you NHS💙 (NationalHealth Service).

Wish me well, hope to see you next week.

Also, if anyone is actually interested in what the results have been previously, just so that we can play ‘PSA trumps’, go ahead and ask in the comments below. I won’t be shy, and to be fair, I have had a complete stranger stick their fingers up my arse, a nurse pull a tube from my penis and a whole medical team see my legs up in stirrups with no boxers on…no room for shy here!

If you need more support then there are some great charities ready to help:

United Kingdom:

https://prostatecanceruk.org

United States:

https://www.pcf.org

Mark Stevenson’s bio: I am a father to four, stepfather to one and a husband to my lovely wife Louise. I had worked a long time in change management as a contractor for financial firms, however, as a budding entrepreneur I now work on my own businesses which is a mental health app (worry-tree.com) and self -service dog wash outlet. I was diagnosed in 2021 at the age of 46 and this was somewhat of a surprise as I had no real massive symptoms considering the stage that the cancer was discovered. It was due to me needing to pee a little more urgently than normal and a friend that had been diagnosed the previous year sharing his symptoms that made me get myself checked out. My PSA was at 18.1 when tested and that led to the scans, biopsy etc. There is no family history of prostate or breast cancer so I was not really expecting to be diagnosed as such.

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What else is news in prostate cancer-land?

By Howard Wolinsky

—Can you help me out? Please take the survey on your opinions on transperineal vs. transrectal biopsy: https://forms.gle/T5pRqU5ravLVQ8xk7 This poll is being run in connection with a new British study that showed TP is better than TR in detecting prostate cancer. Click here.

—Don’t miss the ASPI webinar on trying to fend off the greatest health threat. we AS patients and most other prostate cancer patients face. It’s not prostate cancer. It’s heart disease. Dr. Darryl Leong, of McMaster U. (Go Marauders!), is a rare cardiologist who studies prostate cancer. He is the speaker at Active Surveillance Patients International webinar from noon-1:30 p.m. Eastern on Saturday April 26.

Register here: https://zoom.us/meeting/register/xgT8w-i3Qp-iJkvOby0M9g

—I have had my microbiome checked and reversed type-2 diabetes. How about you?Researchers at University of California, San Diego are validating the gut microbiome--the community of germs in our gut that help keep us going— as a biomarker for prostate cancer aimed at men on Active Surveillance for low-risk prostate cance. Participants get a free diet assessment/score, a microbiome report, and $25 gift card,

See if you’re eligible

—British media has kept an eagle-eye on prostate cancer as PCa is now the leading cancer in the U.K. Usually, we hear about entertainers and sports figures being diagnosed. Now, the BBC reports the Bishop of Manchester has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. The Right Reverend David Walker said the disease was picked up after a routine blood test, and he is receiving treatment at The Christie Hospital in Manchester. The 67-year-old said his prognosis "is pretty good" as the disease was caught early.

Rev. Walker notes: “"I know I am not going to be on this planet forever, and it makes you think about my relationship with God and what my hopes for heaven are.

"It reaffirmed my Christian faith and made me feel closer to Jesus. Death will come to us all. I accept that that one in eight men will get prostrate cancer so I have no question of 'why me?' I have not had to take any time off. I just need to manage my energy a bit more as I have noticed a bit more tiredness than I am used to.”

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